The holiday season often highlights family dynamics, social norms, and relationship structures. For those practicing consensual non-monogamy (CNM), this time of year can bring unique challenges, particularly around couple privilege. Understanding and addressing couple privilege is essential for fostering equality, respect, and harmony in all your relationships—whether romantic or platonic.
What Is Couple Privilege?
Couple privilege refers to the advantages that primary or long-term couples receive, both from society and within their relationship networks. In CNM, this privilege often manifests as prioritizing a primary partnership over other connections, sometimes unintentionally sidelining newer or less established relationships.
During the holidays, couple privilege can surface in several ways:
- Inviting only one partner to family gatherings.
- Sharing traditions exclusively with a primary partner.
- Overlooking the needs or feelings of other partners when making holiday plans.
Recognizing this dynamic doesn’t mean you’re a bad person; it simply means there’s an opportunity to create more equity in your relationships.
Couple Privilege in Consensual Non-Monogamy
CNM emphasizes openness, communication, and fairness. However, societal norms often push couples to prioritize their relationship above all else. During the holidays, this can conflict with the values of CNM, where the goal is to nurture multiple meaningful relationships.
Navigating couple privilege doesn’t mean eliminating hierarchy if your structure includes it. Instead, it’s about being mindful of how your actions, traditions, and decisions affect all partners.
Holiday Conversations: Prompts for You and Your Partners
Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, particularly in CNM. Use these conversation prompts to address couple privilege during the holidays:
- What traditions are meaningful to each of us?
Explore what the holidays mean to each partner and identify ways to include everyone’s preferences and needs. - How do we decide who participates in holiday events?
Discuss how invitations to family gatherings or social events are extended and whether these decisions align with your shared values. - What does equity look like for us during the holidays?
Talk about how to create balance, whether that’s splitting time, rotating traditions, or creating new ones. - What feelings arise for each of us around the holidays?
Create space for partners to share emotions, especially if they feel left out or less prioritized.
Planning for the Future
Navigating couple privilege during the holidays is an ongoing process. Here are steps to create more inclusive and equitable traditions going forward:
- Create Shared Rituals
- Establish holiday traditions that honor all partners equally. For example, host a Friendsgiving-style celebration or exchange gifts as a group.
- Communicate Early and Often
- Start holiday planning conversations well in advance to ensure all partners feel seen and included.
- Reframe Holiday Norms
- Challenge traditional holiday expectations. Instead of prioritizing appearances, focus on creating a season that reflects your unique relationship dynamics.
- Seek Feedback
- Regularly check in with all partners to assess how well your plans are working and what adjustments might be needed.
How Therapy Can Help
Navigating couple privilege—especially during emotionally charged times like the holidays—can feel overwhelming. Therapy offers a neutral, supportive space to unpack these dynamics and develop healthier communication patterns.
A therapist familiar with consensual non-monogamy can help you:
- Identify unconscious biases that may perpetuate couple privilege.
- Facilitate difficult conversations with compassion and clarity.
- Develop tools for equitable decision-making that honor everyone’s needs.
If you’re in Cambridge, Waterloo, or elsewhere in Ontario, consider exploring virtual therapy options. A qualified therapist can help you navigate these challenges while strengthening your relationships and deepening your connection with all partners.
Building Inclusive Holiday Traditions
The holidays are a time for celebration, connection, and reflection. By addressing couple privilege and fostering open, honest conversations, you can create holiday traditions that honor the unique dynamics of your consensual non-monogamous relationships.
Whether you’re new to ENM or have been practicing it for years, remember that growth takes time. Lean into the process, seek support when needed, and prioritize creating a holiday season that reflects the love and care you share with all your partners.
If you’re looking for guidance on navigating couple privilege or other challenges in ENM relationships, Encanta Counselling and Wellness offers support through virtual and in-person therapy in Cambridge, Waterloo, and beyond. Reach out today to start building the tools you need for a more inclusive and fulfilling future.